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Anxiety, Agoraphobia & Me – Starting CBT Therapy.


“Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” – Saint Francis

I have always wanted to write this post, but I have always just put it of! I never knew how I would start this and also how to be this vulnerable. With what has really been going on in my life. Sometimes it’s difficult to do this because you don’t really wanna over share. But you also want to help other people who might be in the same situation, that you have been in.

I always hear bloggers and youtubers talking about their anxiety, they never really talk about agoraphobia. So I thought I would explain a bit about my situation. It is also quite hard to let yourself remember traumatic times, so I won’t go to deep right now.

I will start of when I started to get anxiety. I have had it from as long as I can remember! Obviously everyone has anxiety, but I mean when it started to become a problem for me. I think it mainly started when I started my period properly, which I was very young! I was around like 9, so hormones at such a young age and a lot of other things! Just created a bad time.

So as I started secondary it got worse and I just hated school. My mum has always been such a huge support for me and she just never understood it! Until like year 9 when she took me out of school, it was just a bit much! So since then she tried getting me into therapy and I just wasn’t open to it! So I didn’t allow myself to try to get better and I refused.

When I was like 18 to 22 I went on antidepressants and I was kind of ok in that time, I went on holiday with my sister and friends even with anxiety but the antidepressants did help. I still had anxiety throughout that holiday. But just not as bad as it could have been, because I was on medication.

So around 22/23 I came of antidepressants for some reason?! I stopped smoking and just hit a real bad time! Then around January I wanted to be better so bad, so I tried getting myself better, I started slimming world and just tried a healthier lifestyle. Obviously I now know slimming world isn’t a healthier lifestyle lol! I was just so young and uneducated!

At this point I was forcing myself to walk by myself and go on buses and I finally got to a very happy place! (It should never be forced) I obviously was in a calmer place, so me pushing myself worked! Don’t push yourself to the point of panic. Listen to what you want, always!

I started dating and got a boyfriend and I was just finally starting to feel better! I was on no medication, I wasn’t smoking anymore, I had lost about 4 stone and I was walking and going on buses (not a big deal to some! But for me that was a lot) I just had some independence. I was really happy! Obviously still deep down I had a lot to work on. I wasn’t very open to outsiders about what was going on and how bad it really was and how I was coming out of it. So the person I was with, didn’t really understand me because I didn’t let him (not his fault) lol I just started to feel really pressured!
I put a lot of pressure on myself! I was finally starting to become who I wanted to be and I was trying harder and put so much pressure on myself, I then went backwards in my recovery! So I broke up with my boyfriend and just went further into myself.
But this time it just got worse, because I wouldn’t go on medication and I was just still trying to force myself and I then got mentally/emotionally exhausted! I wouldn’t wish that on anybody in the world!!! I just had to rest to get better. It is so much like if you’re physically unwell, you rest and do the things you use to love and go on medication and you just gradually get better.
Their is so much stigma around mental health! You think taking medication is wrong and weak, but you would take a painkiller for a headache or you would rest if you’ve got a broken leg! So why not when your mind feels broken? I was that person to.
I obviously have learnt now to rest rest rest!!!! Just when you feel like resting do that, always listen to your intuition. If I can help at least one person not do what I did, I will be very happy!
So yeah I went on medication, I put on weight, which that is partly from the medication and me starting intuitive eating. But I am in such a healthier mindset I don’t care! I do not care how I look anymore, I’m happy with how I feel and that is an amazing feeling.
Your happiness is not in your weight! I would choose this mindset over any size 10 jeans. I got down to a weight and I wasn’t happy. We need to break the diet cycle and the mental health stigma. Also just how much pressure we put on ourselves these days. To work hard and not need anyone or medication, it is such an unhealthy world right now.
I wouldn’t want my niece to ever grow up thinking in that mindset! I will try to change the script and as I change me and become emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually healthier I will hopefully help others to. And then my niece will hopefully have a healthier generation to look up to.
I started working with a mental health team which I got discharged from last week and I am going to be starting CBT therapy on the 10th of October. Whilst I still have a lot to work on, I finally know that I am going the right way about it and I can’t wait to become the person I know I already am and will be.
So if you’re reading this and you have anxiety, agoraphobia or any other mental health condition, please know it really does get better! Yes it is hard some days and therapy and working on yourself isn’t easy, but when you start to see the benefits there isn’t a better feeling!
This is just the start of my healthier journey and I can’t wait to do another blog post, on how therapy is going and what it is like. What I hope you take away from this post is to get help! Just like you wouldn’t leave a broken leg, don’t leave your broken mind. What is the point when you can get help and get better?
You will never know how much you helped, get me through- I love you Sienna!
I will leave links below on where to get help.
I hope you read this and feel that it is okay to get help! I think even if you haven’t got a mental health condition, you should still have a therapist! Just like you would go to the gym for better physical health.
It is worth it!
Love Kirsty x

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