Today is the day I came back to myself.
That might seem a bit dramatic, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
I’ve been stuck for a while in a rut, feeling like I’m trapped, suffocating, at the mercy of other peoples timelines and decisions, running like a demented hamster on a wheel but not actually making any progress. I’ve been smiling when ordered to, calmly putting up with being treated like nothing from my superiors, put up with accusations and passive aggressive comments, throwaway remarks and thoughtless opinions. It seemed I was going nowhere, gaining nothing, and all the while standing and screaming at the top of my lungs whilst the room filled with water, only for everyone to glance over, shrug and return to what they were doing.
Then today, for some reason, out of nowhere, I got back on the mat.
Yoga is a huge part of my life, and has always been my go to when I’m stressed, confused, anxious or just really need to stretch. I have always turned to it in my hour of need, and it is the one thing I have always made myself do even when not really in the mood, because I know it will be worth it.
For some reason lately, I’ve dropped the ball. “I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m too tired. I’ve got work. My leg hurts…” all excuses, and all, frankly, bullshit.
The real reason? I started putting myself at the bottom of the list.
I started listening to the doubters and the naysayers, the ones who said I’d failed and the ones with barbed comments. And to punish myself, I stopped putting myself first. I stopped loving myself, and that was really really crap.
Yoga for me is more than an amazing exercise regime. It is a chance to stop, to catch yourself. To marry breath and movement and transcend the physical body to tap into something much greater. To access that power which lays dormant in all of us, and to have a chance to check in with the subconscious mind, the one which holds the key to manifesting and shaping our very existence. To push yourself beyond your comfort, and to take pride in integrity and truth. To connect to an energy way beyond yourself, and to see how everything in life is connected to that energy. It is not about mirroring a picture perfect pose; it is instead about making sure the foundations of that pose are true and honest, and that you are giving it everything you have from a place of love. It is valuing yourself enough to take 20 minus out of your day to put yourself first, to be alone with yourself and your thoughts, and to give yourself as much time as you give others.
My situation hasn’t technically changed (though fingers crossed things have started moving now I kicked all the stagnant energy out of my body!) but my mindset it totally different. I can see a bigger picture, look forward and, most importantly, am back to putting myself firmly back at the top of my list. It’s not selfish, it’s self love and that is what we all need to be the best, most badass versions of ourselves.
So thanks more than you’ll ever know, Adriene Mishler. (For those of you keen to start yoga but who have never found the time, opportunity or money to take a class, check out this woman on Youtube; she’s incredible and inspiring and I think I’m in love with her. This isn’t sponsored or anything, I am just genuinely in love with this woman! ) And thanks to myself, for giving myself some time and some love. Lets push through this and get stuff started!
Love to my badasses,