Today I am handing my blog over the lovely Sarah of sarahjennajayne.com. One of the amazing things about blogging is sometimes you come across people who you resonate with on different levels. Both me and Sarah have more in common than just a name, in fact our daily fight is against in some instance the same chronic conditions. So when she said she would like to guest post on her fight, I was thrilled to give her some space.
The physical symptoms of chronic conditions, your whole life, your body, against you. Everything as you knew it, being flipped on its head. Knowing your life will never ever be the same again, you all of a sudden can’t picture your future the way you did before.
That is what hurts your heart the most when you are first taken ill, isn’t it?
No, it’s not.
Well, it wasn’t for me anyway. You see, I wasn’t diagnosed with anything for a long time. I had no idea that the sickness inside of me was incurable. I still believed the doctors would find out what was wrong and then ‘fix me’.
So, here’s what hurt me the most, why I sunk into a pit of depression.
What caused the most damage to my mental health?
The people I loved.
The only people in the world who I would expect to protect me…
I wasn’t getting any better, I also wasn’t getting any answers. It took so little time for them my ‘loved ones’ to turn on me.
To accuse me of lying.
I spent most of my time in hospitals. Appointments consisted of medical professionals treating me like a hypochondriac.
Someone who was merely wasting their time.
I would leave feeling overwhelmed, devastated, degraded and humiliated.
It wasn’t taken into consideration by anyone that I was actually terrified because I really was sick and I didn’t know why.
I had nowhere to turn, most of my family had all turned their backs on me and my friends were ‘too busy’.
Do you know how it feels to be completely alone? To feel like everyone around you hates you? I really hope you don’t.
I stopped seeing my family, I knew what was said as soon as my back was turned.
The truth is, there is still to this day, a huge wedge between myself and those who share my blood.
I guess in a way, I don’t really blame them. After all, how can you understand something you can’t see. How can you believe something you don’t feel is possible?
Although, in all honesty, I can’t say I wouldn’t have enjoyed them choking on their own venom.
Looking back on it now after all these years, my heart still kind of breaks.
But you know what? Despite it all, I’ve never been stronger.
It’s human nature to be drawn to others of our kind, this instinct pushes us to build and become part of a unit. It makes us feel more powerful and safe.
Losing the safety net of family, of my ‘unit’ was a life-changing experience, it taught me what I’m capable of.
It showed me that I didn’t need anyone to stand by my side and hold my hand.
In fact, I don’t need anyone’s hand, believe me, I can save myself.
It’s ironic, isn’t it? Those who do everything in their power to destroy me turned out to be the ones who saved me.
If my life goes down in flames again? I won’t be scared of the fire, I can and I will damn well walk through it.
That inner strength, the raw, powerful animalistic part deep inside of you? It has the power to survive, to protect yourself, to face your fears and pull yourself up when you hit the ground. It’s inside all of us, you just have to let it loose.
About the Author:
Sarah is a blogger who runs sarahjennajayne.com. She focuses primarily on chronic illness and mental health. Sarah also shares some of the embarrassing parts of her personal life when she’s feeling brave!